Getting Back to What Makes Me… “Me.”

For as long as I can remember, music has been a major part of my life. My mother used to talk about how certain songs would move me and I would sing along passionately as a youngling. In elementary school, two of my friends and I worked tirelessly on an incredibly horrible rap song, which we performed at the school talent show. Somehow… I wasn’t embarrassed by that experience, or vow to never get on stage again. As I got older, and learned to use my mother’s typewriter — and later in middle school, her word processor, I would write lyrics, almost obsessively. They weren’t good, but I wrote. A lot.

I continued to write throughout middle school, but never actually shared any of my writings until the summer of what was the end of my 8th grade year. The response was… telling. It was with a pretty well known (at the time) Hip-Hop group out of Baltimore, one of the members happened to be cool with one of my good friends at the time. One day while hanging out, she put me on the phone with them and I let loose one of my rhymes. It was in the moments after, that made me realize I had a lot of work to do. They didn’t trash my lyrics or say anything negative, but I could hear in the response that I wasn’t quite ready. For me, that was encouraging, and I kept writing and practicing my delivery. Years later, I ended up working on a song with them.

But let’s not skip ahead, cause it took work to get to that point…

I had come up listening to Kurtis Blow, Kool Mo Dee, The Fat Boys, Just-Ice, LL Cool J, etc., etc. It wasn’t until waking up in the back of my father’s car one night, that I heard “Follow the Leader” by Rakim that it all came to me. I really wanted to do this, but I needed to LEARN and LISTEN more. There was something different about what I was hearing. Different from the other artists that I’d been listening to. The timing of the delivery felt more “attached” to the music than what I was used to in Rap. What changed from that moment, was me seeking out other artists doing things differently than what I’d been used to, when it came to Rap. I started listening to more music from various genres as well, but it was something about Hip-Hop and Jazz that really caught my attention. Then I discovered a group by the name of Organized Konfusion. That broke something wide open in my mind.

I remember the night like it was yesterday. I was on the phone with a couple of girls (three-way calls were all the rage back then — if you’re too young, look it up) and the video for Fudge Pudge came on. I heard the beat and immediately put the phone down. What I was hearing was MAGICAL. It was jazzy, with a drum pattern like nothing I’d ever heard in Rap before. The way they were rhyming and what they were talking about was wildly unorthodox (for the time) and I was hypnotized. I spent the next few months looking for the single, and when I found it, things really started to make sense for me, musically. I wrote aggressively. I carried notebooks around with me everywhere. I wrote instead of paying attention in class or doing schoolwork. I was most definitely becoming what would later be called a “backpack rapper.”

As time passed, I’d studied the hell out of music, started making music with a group of friends, learning to make beats, recording songs using a single headphone cup as a microphone (it was an interesting hack… being poor makes you resourceful) and a 4-track. I eventually started getting paid for my abilities, performing at Jazz venues, getting on any stage that would have me — big or small, hosting events, etc. Music actually became a major part of my life and what sustained me — in many ways, through my high school years and beyond, until about 2001, where I decided to step away from music for various reasons, and get back to visual arts, where I focused on graphic design and web design/development (a story for another time), for nearly 25 years.

While I was no longer making music, it was still a major part of who I was. The only difference was, I was focused on being a listener/fan of the art form, while concentrating on other things (career, business, family), but it was there. From time to time, I would jot down a few lines, acquire a piece of equipment (midi keyboard, MPC, bass guitar, etc.), or software (FruityLoops — now FL Studio, Reason, Logic Pro) to dabble a bit, but it was just to play around. Or so I kept telling myself. The truth is, I was just doing what I needed to do to keep myself feeling whole, whether I wanted to believe it or not. Just being a listener was never truly enough, no matter how much I tried to convince myself and others otherwise. Music — Hip-Hop specifically — is and has been a large part of who I am, since I was a kid.

Sometimes, life has a way of forcing you to accept who you truly are…

In 2021, something happened that nearly destroyed me and forced me to step away from… actually, lose the person I’d spent years “growing” into. I’d all but given up on life itself. Feeling completely lost, confused and unable to understand who or what I was anymore, I retreated into self doubt, depression, alcohol, and began having panic attacks. I attempted to pass the time by finding new hobbies to explore like collecting expensive headphones and building custom keyboards. Those were temporary fixes, but ultimately proved to not be enough to keep me distracted from what felt like a few major life failures.

In 2022, someone from my past — having read my cries for help on social media — reached out. At the time, I had no idea where the conversations that followed would lead me, but I’m glad I allowed myself to be open enough to have them. That person, was Dragon’s Pitchfork, one of the founding members of the crew I now call family — GRYSKLL. When I first met him back in the 90’s, he was either about to become, or was one of the founding members of the Wu-Tang affiliated group Tha Beggas (The Beggaz). Years later, here we were discussing the difficulties we had, and were facing after some life-altering experiences. This eventually lead to an invitation that ultimately re-introduced me to the world of music creation… something I’d tried really hard to convinced myself that I was done with.

Since that moment, I’ve been involved in some wonderful things that have (to me, at least) inspired lots of personal growth and reignited a flame I’d been telling myself was all but extinguished. I’ve now released a few solo songs, an EP, featured on quite a few songs with members of the crew and found a passion for mixing/mastering that has ultimately lead me to today. I’m about to begin, what I’m thinking of as the next chapter of who I am… A musician. A producer. An Artist. No longer in denial or in doubt of who I truly am.

This journey hasn’t come without its challenges, obviously. I’ve had to deal with the naysayers. Those who think I’m too old. Those who I initially wanted support from, but couldn’t/can’t see the vision or think I should put my focus elsewhere. It’s required a lot of work on my part to continue pushing forward. But pushing forward, even when it felt like an uphill battle that I couldn’t win, is a large part of what made me “successful” in the past. I’d beaten the odds before. I’d pulled myself from poverty into a career that a high school dropout had no business being in. Somehow I’d forgotten that. Somewhere along my journey through adulthood, I allowed society, loved-ones, etc., to decide who I was and should be. All the while, I was dying a slow, lonely death. Losing my sense of self and then some. I was playing a game without understanding the rules and nearly lost myself completely.

In getting back to what makes me… “me,” I’ve had to let go of who I’d become, due to societal pressures and expectations. I’ve had to begin a new journey of self discovery. But the most important thing — for me — I’ve had to stop trying to prove others wrong, and focus on proving myself right.